Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.