The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
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As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
can’t talk my ride’s here
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Always the camel, never the toe.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35