I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
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If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.