I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 đ
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ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Just accidentally spilled my catâs food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot đ
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
When a couple Iâm friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who wonât ask to sleep on my couch.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
my sentiments exactly
The concept of âraining menâ is a terrible thought and I wouldnât be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I wonât be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Autocorrect changed âPut Bacitracin on itâ to âPut bacon on itâ.
Fine, weâll try that.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.