Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
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It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Unexpected Judgment
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.