i think both sides are to blame here
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My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired