I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
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[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song