Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ