My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
You Might Also Like
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.