“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
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I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.