Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
The options really are this bad
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.