My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
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My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out