This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
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The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
That eye roll….
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.