My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
No regrets in 2018
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.