I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
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when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
He’s cranky this morning
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.