David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
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DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Well, this is awkward
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*