“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
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Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.