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*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.