freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
You Might Also Like
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.