Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
You Might Also Like
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
When you kidnap a writer.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
A little too much information.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!