The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
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[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.