Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
secret recipe
This was the best day of my life
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.