barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
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me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Selfie