Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
You Might Also Like
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Spa day..😅
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?