I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
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Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.