“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
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In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
When I laugh on my period
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos