The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
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[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.