[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
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Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
damn he’s good
ME (calling my horse with no name):
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.