Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
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I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
I created you as mosquito food.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now