Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.