*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Lmao 🤣
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently