A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
This kinda thing happens to me often
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.