When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
pat pat
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes