me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
paddle faster i hear baby shark