[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
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A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Your secret is safeish with me
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
same energy
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Spring cleaning checklist…