A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
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Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.