What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
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If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO