Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
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If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.