Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
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Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.