Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Raisins are grape jerky.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
They did not think through this water fountain