When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
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back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Brands during Pride
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
(Musicians.)
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?