A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
happy mother’s day❤️
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
damn he’s good
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Note to self: always read the final line
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan