[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
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Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.