Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?