What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
WTF
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do