I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
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The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.