1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
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The struggle is real
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I’m a carb girl, born and bread