Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
*praying for world peace*
God:
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.