“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
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fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Not all heroes wear capes…
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.