That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
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[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I put the h in mysterious.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
I enjoy a good short stor
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.